Over the course of almost 17 years, and 2 marriages, I have unsuccessfully tried to have children. I have had 7 (known) miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy, from 1992 - 2008. I STILL cry over each and every child I have lost. I have learned to cope, but it is a very real pain that will stay with me for the rest of my life.
During those dark times, I have had to suffer in silence. This is mostly due to people not knowing what to say when something like this happens.
I will acknowledge that it can be awkward, trying to find something to say. People tend to NOT know how to respond with a miscarriage, especially in the 1st trimester, because typically, the mother isn't showing and there is usually no body to have a funeral for.
I have had some pretty callous things said to me during the times when I have miscarried:
1. Don't worry, you're still young, you have plenty of time to have babies. 2. Well, at least you didn't get attached to it. 3. Count your blessings, it was probably deformed. 4. It wasn't a real baby yet, why are you so upset? 5. You've already mourned over hearing the news (from the doctor that my baby had died), all you have to do is just pass the cells now right? So you shouldn't be so upset now.
And the list goes on and on.
So, my friends, if you know someone going through the terrible, heartbreaking ordeal of a miscarriage here are some suggestions to help:
1. Offer to run errands, watch her children, cook dinner, clean her house... these are the last things on her mind
2. Cry with her, hold her hand or just listen if she feels like talking
3. Say APPROPRIATE things to her; "I am SO sorry for your loss", "What can I do to help", "I am here for you"
4. Send flowers or a Thinking of You / Sympathy card.
These are just a few things that can mean so much. The point is to validate her feelings of loss and give her time to mourn.
Something else you can do:
Organizations across the globe ask that you take part in the "Wave of Light" by lighting a candle on October 15th at 7pm, in your local time zone. Please take a moment on this day for reflection, and remembering our lost children by lighting a candle at home, in groups and gatherings, or calling someone close to you who has experienced this loss. No matter how recent or how long ago, every parent would love to know that someone is remembering their angel child.